I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
