my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Shame is for Republicans.
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