Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
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