I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
porn star boner night. come get it.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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