i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
