We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
