My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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