A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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