dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I forget how to act sober
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