There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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