Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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