You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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