I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
