Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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