If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Randomize
