Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
