thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
