she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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