he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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