I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
