I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
