remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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