I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
