So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
