whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
