you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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