Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
