He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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