xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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