i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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