What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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