I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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