I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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