I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
