ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Someone came in the potted fern
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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