This is not my ceiling
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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