just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
