I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
