piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
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