I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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