He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
