We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
