There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
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