I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I think I sprained my soul last night
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
