I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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