In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
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