Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
