They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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