Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize