i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize