i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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