i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
