is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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