meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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