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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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