I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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