dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I AM VODKA MAN
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
