Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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