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• (847): View more from Illinois

  my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.

  (224): View more from Illinois

  I'm with your mom on this one.

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• (614): View more from Ohio

  Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out

  (574): View more from Indiana

  You never cease to amaze me.

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• (308): View more from Nebraska

  I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  but it's kind of a high honor.

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• (478): View more from Georgia

  I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.

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• (816): View more from Missouri

  i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.

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• (817): View more from Texas

  there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...

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• (503): View more from Oregon

  All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.

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• (850): View more from Florida

  The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.

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• (719): View more from Colorado

  Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.

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• (647): View more from Ontario

  Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.

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• (909): View more from California

  the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet

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• (909): View more from California

  She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.

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• (850): View more from Florida

  I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.

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• (509): View more from Washington

  You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...

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