then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
