you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Randomize
