I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
