i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
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