Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
